Humor
In a Magnanimous Fit…
I got an email from ASLA last Friday suggesting that I volunteer to speak at the local school since April is Landscape Architecture Month. In what must have been some kind of a magnanimous fit I fired off an email to the Culver School Superintendent volunteering to do just that. Wouldn’t you know it, April 23rd is Career Day at the the Culver Middle School and they were thrilled to hear that I was volunteering to speak that afternoon. Five 20 minute rotations of about 15 students each. Wow…
History of Construction by S.S. Saucerman
2,400,000 B.C. (10:16 a.m.) Grog, a primitive man, stacks one rock on top of another, thereby performing the first act of construction archaeologists have discovered.
2,400,000 B.C. (10:23 a.m.) Unk, the B.A. from Cave Dwellers Local 369, shows up and claims the work was his.
2,400,000 B.C. (11:37 a.m.) Nok, Grog’s neighbor, trips over Grog’s rocks while going out for his morning newspaper.
2,400,000 B.C. (11:54 a.m.) The law firm of Urk, Urk, Wonk and Frug is established, specializing in liability and workers comp claims.
1,616,230 B.C. Strange man wanders onto job site with a hyper sense of authority and begins handing out astronomical fines for safety violations. This intruder is greeted by workers with (and subsequently became know as) “Oh SHIIIIIII….!” Over the centuries, this label is shortened and becomes simply “OSHA.”
2650 B.C. In the first known example of “value engineering,” Egyptian architects leave nose off of Sphinx of Giza to save money.
2600 B.C. The great pyramids of Giza are constructed. Originally designed as large rectangular structures, Egyptian builders run into stone-supplier strike and run out of product shortly after project begins, thus forcing them to taper down the profile as structure grows, eventually leading to a point at the top. The engineers are pretty sure nobody would notice.
190 B.C. Following the lead of the builders of the Sphinx in Egypt, Italian designers, in the quest of value-engineering, leave arms off Venus De Milo.
752 A.D. Taverns are invented.
752 A.D. to 1211 A.D. No recordable construction occurs. Experts stumped.
1212 A.D. 100 Years War between England and France is fought for only 87 years, thereby laying basis for determining architects’ billable hour.
1370 A.D. Great tower is erected in Pisa, Italy.
1370 A.D. First drug and alcohol program for construction workers is implemented in Pisa, Italy.
1668 A.D. Though budgeted for $500,000 Swiss francs, the Swiss Architectural firm of Yenney and Yenney messes up plans and specs and project comes in at $1,000,000 after bids. Y & Y then makes the bold move of charging to revise its own screwed-up plans, giving it even greater additional fees for correcting its own mistakes. Architects from all around the globe declare, “Wow, cool!”
1708 A.D. Plumb-bob is invented. Bob sues for copyright infringement. Urk, Urk, Wonk and Frug represent. Case still pending.
1752 A.D. Great fire destroys most of Moscow. Engineer blames electrician.
1803 A.D. U. S. buys all land west of the Mississippi from France. U. S. later declares it got screwed when it finds there are no sewer and water laterals. Suit is filed. Urk, Urk, Wonk and Frug represent. Case pending.
1810 A.D. Schubert tries in vain to finish symphony but architect won’t sign off on punchlist. Work remains uncompleted.
1869 A.D. Transcontinental railroad is completed with the driving of the Golden Spike at Provotory, Utah. Spike later removed by landscaper while mowing and whole thing has to be laid out again.
1906 A.D. Massive earthquake topples nearly four square miles of San Francisco. Building engineers blame design software manufacturer.
1912 A.D. “Unsinkable” British luxury ocean liner is lost in Northeast Atlantic and 1,513 lives are lost. Engineer blames painters.
1929 A.D. Low-rise jeans invented for plumbers, leading to the siting of many really, really great depressions.
1959 A.D. In historic Kitchen Debate, VP Richard Nixon confers with USSR leader Khrushchev at a U. S. trade show in Moscow. Pat Nixon ignores the two blockheads and goes with hickory raised panel doors and gold fleck countertop.
1964 A.D. Civil Rights movement leads to ADA. ADA, of course, stands for “Another Dumb Addition” to the cost of construction by politically-correct plebians.
1989 A.D. After an exhaustive third-party review of AIA (American Institute of Architects) contracts and documents–most often used by contractors entering into commercial building projects–it’s officially determined that through the wording of the indemnity clauses included in virtually every paragraph, the architectural community has achieved its long-sought-after goal of having no responsibility for its actions.
1999 A.D. The latest BOCA Uniform Dwelling Code is completed. Six copies are printed and distributed in Cameroon.
2003 A.D. While lounging in his hot tub on an August night, cynical and snotty construction-industry writer S. S. Saucerman is attacked by a pack of lawyers and architects armed with rolled-up blueprints and briefcases. Officials can only comment, “And the screwy thing was, he was just wearing flippers and a cape.” After subsequent review, it’s determined that Saucerman deserved it.
Airport Security Tip
Since I was a teenager, possibly even younger since I was in Cub Scouts, I have carried a pocket knife. Something unthinkable for kids today. Did you see the recent story about the
Eagle Scout that was kicked out of school for having a pocket knife (Weapon! Zero Tolerance you know!) at school? In a box… In a locked car… In the parking lot… If you want to read the AP story, it is here. But this is to be a “Tip” not a “Rant” and once again, I’ve digressed.
Anyway, my knife is one of the small multi-purpose ones. It’s so dull it can hardly be called a knife, but it is ocassionally useful on site visits and around the house. I know better than to take it to the airport, but in the rush of getting ready last week, I transferred it from pants pocket to pants pocket as I always do when dressing and didn’t give it a second thought. That is until I was emptying my pockets in the security line at the airport.
This was at South Bend Airport and fortunately I was early for my flight. There was no one else in the line with me and the TSA personnel were sympathetic, but said there was nothing they could do. They suggested I take it out and put it in my checked bag… I wasn’t checking a bag. They suggested that I take it out to my car… I was dropped off at the airport, i.e. no car. They suggested I call someone… It had been 20 minutes since I was dropped off and there was no one close I could call.
As I’m standing there in my stocking feet, my computer, computer case, shoes and coat already down the conveyor belt, a possible solution came to me. I retrieved all my things and got out of line. (Fortunately there was only one person behind me and he seemed to be more amused than upset.) I went back out of the security check area and went over to the car rental counters. I picked the one with no one waiting, Hertz, and asked the attendant, “Do you have a Lost & Found box?” 
She was very helpful and said yes as she started to walk and get it when I explained, “I didn’t lose anything. (yet) I want to put something in it!” I explained that even if I ended up not being able to claim it from their lost & found, there was at least a chance that I could get it back. With TSA, it was going to be a 100% certainty that it was gone. She was extremely nice, let me put a note on it and put in in the lost & found for me. On my return trip, I retrieved it.
Okay, this may not be a great tip and it may have limited applications, but I thought it was worth passing along. It would never work in one of the larger airports at the point that I discovered my error, but it worked for me this time!
Are Golf Carts the Vehicle that would allow Culver to Annex the Lake?
I’ve been watching all the hullabaloo about golf carts in town. It’s obviously a State-wide issue as the legislature has taken it up and clarified things. (Is that possible?) In the case of Culver and Lake Maxinkuckee, golf carts can be used within the Town of Culver as long as they meet minimum safety requirements and are registered with the Town. This puts 3/4’s of the Lake and a large portion of the Culver Academies on the wrong side of the law when it comes to operating golf carts on public streets and highways.
The new State Law really hasn’t changed anything for the residents outside the Town. It was and remains illegal to operate golf carts on public right-a-ways. The new Law clarified the rights of Cities and Towns to license golf carts for use on their streets if they chose to to so. Culver’s Golf Cart Ordinance is available for review on the town website here.
C'mon! Do you really think this would stand up to a collision with the real thing?
It’s unbelievable how passionate people are on this issue! I find it somewhat unfathomable that so many people are willing to send their children out in these vehicles to compete for right-a-way with cars, trucks, SUV’s and Semi’s. I’m sure some of these same people check out Consumer’s Reports for crash test ratings before buying a car. How would a golf cart rate in a collision with a car? To paraphrase a classic movie line, “Child Restraints? We don’t need no stinkin’ child restraints!”
But that’s not why I’m typing at you today. Tongue firmly in cheek, I propose that the Culver Town Council is missing a wonderful opportunity to Annex the Lake! This has always been a divisive issue. The Town always feels that they are providing services to property owners that don’t support them through taxes. The Lake residents feel that they are already under too much Town control without representation. Are golf carts the vehicle that would allow Culver to annex the Lake? I say, “Full speed ahead!” Heck, it’s only a golf cart… What is that, like, maybe 20 mph?
At least one current Town Council Member, Lynn Overmyer, has a golf cart and uses it around town regularly. I would suggest that she run for re-election on a Golf Cart Platform. Admittedly a precarious position where she would have to balance many issues… but could this be the issue that unites the Lake, Town and Academies? I’m picturing Lance driving the cart while Lynn expounds on the virtues of community in a rousing oratory from the bag rack… like off the back of a train, Herbert Hoover style…
Marshall County with Union Township highlighted
Personally, I think we should think big on this. Our Man Mitch would like the State to do away with the townships. Let’s be a progressive community and form our own smaller version of Indianapolis’s uni-gov by absorbing all of Union Township while we’re at it. There’s only a thin ribbon of area to the south and west between Culver’s Zoning boundary and the County Line anyway. Burr Oak and Hibbard will become suburbs! Culver will once again have train service. Our boundaries will encompass a river and a couple of additional lakes. (They’re small, but they’ll look good in the brochure text.) We’ll pick up a connection to another state highway (110) and bring us within spitting distance of State Road 8.
Oh, sure… There are naysayers that will bring up issues like water and sewer as well as police protection. Those are just details. Our Senators are voting 1,200 page bills into Law without reading them, so we shouldn’t get caught up in the details when we can vote for… wait for it… “Change”!
Oops! I slipped off my original soap box onto an adjacent one. Sorry. We were talking about golf carts. Annex the Lake! Annex the Lake!
There are lots of good reasons for pursuing additional annexation. Unfortunately, good reasons aren’t often good enough. The Town is pursuing annexation on South Main Street, but one property owner is threatening to oppose it. Why? No apparent reason. The property is already within Culver’s zoning boundary and any tax increase would be minimal since the property is undeveloped. Since part of the package is the extension of water and sewer to this area, the annexation would only enhance the property and increase the value. Apparently those aren’t things worth consideration.
Towns are either growing or dying. There is no staying the same. Culver needs to plan for growth and pursue it diligently. The golf cart debate is kind of silly. Annexing the Lake should remain on the table for consideration.
Daylight Savings Time
Have you noticed all the cranky people out and around today? I’m not ashamed to say that I’m one of them. It will take me a week or so to get over the transitional trauma. I am NOT a morning person!!! I would say that I woke up cursing our governor, Mitch Daniels, for pushing through the time change in Indiana, but it wouldn’t be true. I wasn’t awake enough for that…
Doing away with Daylight Savings Time (DST) was one of the more progressive things Indiana had done in the past. There’s no daylight being “saved”. It’s not like it’s something we can harvest and sell to northern Alaska to get them through the 30 Days of Night. I’m not saying that it’s the cause of our droughts like Mr. Hill here, but I’m not sure what good has come of it. Everyone is not a farmer these days. Whether I have the lights on in the morning or at night is irrelevant. I’m still not getting enough sleep…
But now we have it back… Governor Mitch was so adament that we needed to be in lockstep with the rest of the country that he lost control of the House in the following election over this issue. Nothing like having the Time Change right before the election to remind everyone and put them in the voting mood. And then what happens? The Feds decide that we need to change DST and extend it, without consulting with the rest of the world. So now, Indiana may be in step with the rest of the United States, but the United States is out of step with the rest of the World for about a month each year. Brilliant!
The Persistence of Memory by Salvador Dali
As the day goes by, the drag will get worse. I wonder if Salvador Dali was suffering from the effects of Daylight Savings Time when he painted The Persistence of Memory? It seems appropriate to me as it shows the melting of clocks on the landscape… That will be me, dragging more and more as the day goes by. But hey! Give me a couple of weeks and I’ll be back to my normal hatred of mornings without the DST enhancements…
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MacKenzie Ledley - Executive Director, Pulaski County Public Library