Humor

History of Construction by S.S. Saucerman

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geico-caveman2,400,000 B.C. (10:16 a.m.) Grog, a primitive man, stacks one rock on top of another, thereby performing the first act of construction archaeologists have discovered.

2,400,000 B.C. (10:23 a.m.) Unk, the B.A. from Cave Dwellers Local 369, shows up and claims the work was his.

2,400,000 B.C. (11:37 a.m.) Nok, Grog’s neighbor, trips over Grog’s rocks while going out for his morning newspaper.

2,400,000 B.C. (11:54 a.m.)  The law firm of Urk, Urk, Wonk and Frug is established, specializing in liability and workers comp claims.

1,616,230 B.C. Strange man wanders onto job site with a hyper sense of authority and begins handing out astronomical fines for safety violations.   This intruder is greeted by workers with (and subsequently became know as) “Oh SHIIIIIII….!”  Over the centuries, this label is shortened and becomes simply “OSHA.”

2650 B.C. In the first known example of “value engineering,” Egyptian architects leave nose off of Sphinx of Giza to save money.

2600 B.C. The great pyramids of Giza are constructed. Originally designed as large rectangular structures, Egyptian builders run into stone-supplier strike and run out of product shortly after project begins, thus forcing them to taper down the profile as structure grows, eventually leading to a point at the top.  The engineers are pretty sure nobody would notice.

190 B.C. Following the lead of the builders of the Sphinx in Egypt, Italian designers, in the quest of value-engineering, leave arms off Venus De Milo.

752 A.D. Taverns are invented.

752 A.D. to 1211 A.D. No recordable construction occurs. Experts stumped.

1212 A.D. 100 Years War between England and France is fought for only 87 years, thereby laying basis for determining architects’ billable hour.

1370 A.D. Great tower is erected in Pisa, Italy.

1370 A.D. First drug and alcohol program for construction workers is implemented in Pisa, Italy.

1668 A.D. Though budgeted for $500,000 Swiss francs, the Swiss Architectural firm of Yenney and Yenney messes up plans and specs and project comes in at $1,000,000 after bids.  Y & Y then makes the bold move of charging to revise its own screwed-up plans, giving it even greater additional fees for correcting its own mistakes.  Architects from all around the globe declare, “Wow, cool!”

1708 A.D. Plumb-bob is invented. Bob sues for copyright infringement. Urk, Urk, Wonk and Frug represent. Case still pending.

1752 A.D. Great fire destroys most of Moscow.  Engineer blames electrician.

1803 A.D. U. S. buys all land west of the Mississippi from France.  U. S. later declares it got screwed when it finds there are no sewer and water laterals. Suit is filed.  Urk, Urk, Wonk and Frug represent.  Case pending.

1810 A.D. Schubert tries in vain to finish symphony but architect won’t sign off on punchlist.  Work remains uncompleted.

1869 A.D. Transcontinental railroad is completed with the driving of the Golden Spike at Provotory, Utah.  Spike later removed by landscaper while mowing and whole thing has to be laid out again.

1906 A.D. Massive earthquake topples nearly four square miles of San Francisco.  Building engineers blame design software manufacturer.

1912 A.D. “Unsinkable” British luxury ocean liner is lost in Northeast Atlantic and 1,513 lives are lost.  Engineer blames painters.

1929 A.D. Low-rise jeans invented for plumbers, leading to the siting of many really, really great depressions.

1959 A.D. In historic Kitchen Debate, VP Richard Nixon confers with USSR leader Khrushchev at a U. S. trade show in Moscow.  Pat Nixon ignores the two blockheads and goes with hickory raised panel doors and gold fleck countertop.

1964 A.D. Civil Rights movement leads to ADA. ADA, of course, stands for “Another Dumb Addition” to the cost of construction by politically-correct plebians.

1989 A.D. After an exhaustive third-party review of AIA (American Institute of Architects) contracts and documents–most often used by contractors entering into commercial building projects–it’s officially determined that through the wording of the indemnity clauses included in virtually every paragraph, the architectural community has achieved its long-sought-after goal of having no responsibility for its actions.

1999 A.D. The latest BOCA Uniform Dwelling Code is completed. Six copies are printed and distributed in Cameroon.

2003 A.D. While lounging in his hot tub on an August night, cynical and snotty construction-industry writer S. S. Saucerman is attacked by a pack of lawyers and architects armed with rolled-up blueprints and briefcases.  Officials can only comment, “And the screwy thing was, he was just wearing flippers and a cape.”  After subsequent review, it’s determined that Saucerman deserved it.

Are Golf Carts the Vehicle that would allow Culver to Annex the Lake?

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Golf Cart 1I’ve been watching all the hullabaloo about golf carts in town.  It’s obviously a State-wide issue as the legislature has taken it up and clarified things.  (Is that possible?)   In the case of Culver and Lake Maxinkuckee, golf carts can be used within the Town of Culver as long as they meet minimum safety requirements and are registered with the Town.  This puts 3/4’s of the Lake and a large portion of the Culver Academies on the wrong side of the law when it comes to operating golf carts on public streets and highways.

Child restraints? We don't need no stinkin' child restraints!

The new State Law  really hasn’t changed anything for the residents outside the Town.  It was and remains illegal to operate golf carts on public right-a-ways.  The new Law clarified the rights of Cities and Towns to license golf carts for use on their streets if they chose to to so.   Culver’s Golf Cart Ordinance is available for review on the town website here. 

C'mon! Do you really think this would stand up to a collision with the real thing?
C'mon! Do you really think this would stand up to a collision with the real thing?

It’s unbelievable how passionate people are on this issue!  I find it somewhat unfathomable that so many people are willing to send their children out in these vehicles to compete for right-a-way with cars, trucks, SUV’s and Semi’s.  I’m sure some of these same people check out Consumer’s Reports for crash test ratings before buying a car.  How would a golf cart rate in a collision with a car?  To paraphrase a classic movie line, “Child Restraints?  We don’t need no stinkin’ child restraints!”

But that’s not why I’m typing at you today.  Tongue firmly in cheek, I propose that the Culver Town Council is missing a wonderful opportunity to Annex the Lake!  This has always been a divisive issue.  The Town always feels that they are providing services to property owners that don’t support them through taxes.  The Lake residents feel that they are already under too much Town control without representation.   Are golf carts the vehicle that would allow Culver to annex the Lake?  I say, “Full speed ahead!”  Heck, it’s only a golf cart… What is that, like, maybe 20 mph?

At least one current Town Council Member, Lynn Overmyer, has a golf cart and uses it around town regularly.  I would suggest that she run for re-election on a Golf Cart Platform.   Admittedly a precarious position where she would have to balance many issues… but could this be the issue that unites the Lake, Town and Academies?  I’m picturing Lance driving the cart while Lynn expounds on the virtues of community in a rousing oratory from the bag rack…  like off the back of a train, Herbert Hoover style…

Marshall County with Union Township in Orange
Marshall County with Union Township highlighted

Personally, I think we should think big on this.  Our Man Mitch would like the State to do away with the townships.  Let’s be a progressive community and form our own smaller version of Indianapolis’s uni-gov by absorbing all of Union Township while we’re at it.  There’s only a thin ribbon of area to the south and west between Culver’s Zoning boundary and the County Line anyway.  Burr Oak and Hibbard will become suburbs!  Culver will once again have train service.  Our boundaries will encompass a river and a couple of additional lakes.  (They’re small, but they’ll look good in the brochure text.)  We’ll pick up a connection to another state highway (110) and bring us within spitting distance of State Road 8.

Oh, sure…  There are naysayers that will bring up issues like water and sewer as well as police protection.  Those are just details.  Our Senators are voting 1,200 page bills into Law without reading them, so we shouldn’t get caught up in the details when we  can vote for… wait for it… “Change”!

Oops!  I slipped off my original soap box onto an adjacent one.  Sorry.   We were talking about golf carts.   Annex the Lake!  Annex the Lake!

There are lots of good reasons for pursuing additional annexation.  Unfortunately, good reasons aren’t often good enough.  The Town is pursuing annexation on South Main Street, but one property owner is threatening to oppose it.  Why?  No apparent reason.  The property is already within Culver’s zoning boundary and any tax increase would be minimal since the property is undeveloped.  Since part of the package is the extension of water and sewer to this area, the annexation would only enhance the property and increase the value.  Apparently those aren’t things worth consideration.

Towns are either growing or dying.  There is no staying the same.  Culver needs to plan for growth and pursue it diligently.  The golf cart debate is kind of silly.  Annexing the Lake should remain on the table for consideration.

Critter in the Wall

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 I received the following email from my sister the other day:

Hello all,

I have something in my wall between my bathroom and kitchen wall….  Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get it out?  I’m not sure what it is…  Kameron and I think it might be a bat, but it’s possible that it’s a mouse.

If you have any suggestions… Please let me know…  I hate how it sounds in there…  You can hear the scratching and then something dragging…  Not great!

Let me know…

Thanks!
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Tongue firmly in cheek, I responded as follows: 

Critter Options:  

    1. Take Kameron to Chuck E. Cheese with a roll of quarters.  Have him practice on Whack-a-Mole for a while.  Then when you get home., give him a hammer and let him start busting holes in the drywall.  When the critter pops out one of the hammer holes, Whack Him!
    2. Borrow a shot gun.  Do your best Elmer Fudd imitation, “Shhhhhh…  Be Verrwy Quiet…  I’m hunting wabbits…”  Close your eyes, listen and shoot where you hear the sound!
    3. Rent Mousehunt.  Those guys had a million ideas!  I particularly liked trying to impale the mouse through the wall using nail guns and 16d nails…  http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0119715/
    4. Turn up the TV until whatever it is dies.  The smell will go away in about a week…

    Number four is the method I generally use, but if you decide to do one of the others, I can’t wait to hear about it!  If there was a way of getting it out of the wall without putting a hole in the wall, it would have found it already on its own.  It wants out as badly as you want it out.  Yes, it could be causing damage in the wall, but probably less than if you go after it.  If you still hear it there after a week, then it probably has a path to get to that point and is trying to get through to the next stud or into the cabinets or something.  At that point you may have no choice but to put the hole in the wall and get it stopped.

 

Kevin

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    Bat Exclusion using Hardware Clothe and Duct Tape
    Bat Exclusion using Hardware Cloth and Duct Tape

There are some things you can do.  It’s best when you can find out what you’re dealing with, but that’s not always possible.  For small mammals such as mice or bats, that you expect are still traveling in and out, you can put hardware cloth over the opening.  Cut the metal fabric slightly larger than the opening.  Three sides should be cut to leave protruding sharp points. Fasten one edge above the opening and bend the protruding points back towards the wall around the hole, creating a hinged flap that they can escape past, but cannot comfortably re-enter.

 Once you are sure that there are no animals inside, seal the hole.  Again, once the building envelope has been breached, this is often an area which will be breached over and over as the scent is there and it will be recognized as a weak point. 

 Bats, rats and mice can enter any hole that they can get their heads through. If the hole is small, steel wool can be used to fill the hole.  This is difficult and uncomfortable for them to chew through.  Larger holes may need to be patched with sheet metal.  Once the point of entry has been permanently sealed, then cosmetic repairs can be made, such as replacing siding, stucco or whatever the appropriate finished material is.

Back to my sister’s issue, odds are this is a bat or mouse in the wall.  It has probably entered through a small hole and become trapped, unable to find it’s way back out.  It may have followed holes drilled for wiring (or plumbing considering the location) and without her tearing up the walls to find it, it will probably die there.  It is not unusual to find mummified remains when doing demolition for remodeling projects.

Even when your solution is #4 above, it is always good to look for an entrance point.  If you can find it, it needs to be blocked to prevent additional “critters” from entering.   Be they bats, rats, mice, squirrels or God forbid, larger creatures such as possums, raccoons, cats, etc., once an entrance point has been created, breaching the integrity of the building envelope, it will be a constant point of entrance, even after the initial invader has been eliminated or died.  If you can determine what intruder you’re dealing with, you can set the appropriate trap outside the hole in the path they are traveling.

You can find more information on bat exclusion here:

      http://www.batconservation.org/content/Batproblems.html

You can find out how to build a bat house here:

      http://www.batconservation.org/content/buildyourown.htm

You can find more about mice here:

      ttp://www.extension.org/pages/House_Mice_Damage_Assessment

And if you’re one that believes misery loves company, check out this amusing blog and read about someone else’s experiences driving critters out of their home:  http://www.komar.org/faq/hunting_bats/  Fair warning though, some of his pictures are a bit graphic….